If you are of a sensitive disposition and not used to reading a racy blog laced with love and seduction then please look away now.
It all started at the weekend when Vole Junior looked out of the car window. “”Hey Dad, one cow’s on top of another. What’s it doing?”
I looked to see two cows ‘at it’ (ish) but there were no udders in sight which could mean only one thing…..gay cow sex.
I decided 0843 was too early in the morning, and perhaps five years too early to explain this to a 10-year-old so I applied classic deflection tactics all parents will know well.
“They’re just being friendly…..now what bar of chocolate do you want at the garage?”
And that I thought would be that. I had got away with it.
Until last night. At the dinner table. Perhaps it was the chicken breast that did it.
“What’s a slapper?”
I looked down suddenly taking great interest in the sprouts. “Mrs Vole?”
“Ask your father” she retorted combing it with a withering look which reminded me she knew of girlfriends from the distant past.
Eventually he appeared satisfied that it was someone who had lots of ‘friends’ and wasn’t particularly picky.
Next question…..”what’s a prostitute?”
We referred him to answer we’d given moments earlier….adding “but for money”
The final one put the tin lid on it…..almost literally.
“What’s a condom…..is it a hat for your willy?”
Child sent to bed.
Parents turn to drink.